Making life a struggle and better days are ahead

Life has been a struggle. What? Not for you? Well, good on ya’! and more power to ya’! —as they say. Am I jealous of you? Likely so.

Well, actually, nothing that horribly terrible has happened outwardly but inside I’ve been a mess– well, my car was totaled in 2020 but I wasn’t in it (bad news, good news). And body parts hurt to the tune of needing cortisone shots (due to jogging to get in cardio since the gyms closed for a good while and now with the new variant of covid raging, not going back) and my good friends (neighborhood feral cats) were threatened and myself as well with lease violation for feeding them which was, by the way, more traumatic than anything.

And I best not mention politics (such a hot topic now) and sadly, my favorite aunt transitioned due to covid-19 (we weren’t all that close in recent years but still… she was good to me as a child). And I do grieve each and every time I hear of another person succumbing to covid-19. Oh, and don’t get me started on George Floyd and BLM … marched in our local protest… my god how many tears have I wept for our confused fellow humans. And how can one human think that if someone else gets a fair shake that it takes anything away from their own superior-feeling self? Right. So….

So I paint. What? Yes, paint. Watercolor. Tried counseling but turns out she was a christian with too much condescending religious arrogance was a turn off. Not helpful. Anyway, seems that watercolor painting and trying to jog in pain is about all I do –that and go to the grocery store. Because the library is closed and aside from the gym, those are the only places I frequented anyway. I miss my gym tribe although now I’d be embarassed to see any of them because the… the struggle includes weight gain. Over 10 pounds now and I haven’t gotten upon the scale in 3 weeks–eating is still out of control.

Starting to bum myself out here. On a better note, I’ve been doing more meditation and Buddhist studies. Very helpful actually.

I have a bit of exercise asthma this time of year and was close to thinking of joining a very inexpensive neighborhood gym (you’ve heard of them –Planet Fitness) even though they don’t have spin bikes. Gawd, I miss spinning. BUT, alas due to the breathing thing lately, just don’t think I could wear a mask while doing any cardio. I know this since I wear a neck wrap around when I go to the walking park around here and pull it up and over mouth/nose when getting to close to groups of people and yeah, even when jogging in the apartment complex area, whip it up over my face when I pass those chain smokers who spoil the air with their exhaled smoke which could contain covid particles (my own theory) but who wants to breathe the carbon monoxide when they are running by? Not me. But the point is if I can barely breathe with something over my mouth for a few minutes outdoors, cannot imagine an hour on a treadmill or bike or elliptical machine, whatever.

Oh and did I meantion that I just found out that my car insurance doubled because of the stupid ticket (I still swear I wasn’t speeding!) and a no-fault accident… what? of course it wasn’t my fault! I was in my apartment and some unknown *hit and run* person smashed it in the parking lot YET this ‘accident’ doubled my car insurance preminum. And for 3 years to boot! Ahhhh, life! Yes, oh, yes, that’s nothing compared to the suffering of others. Guilty feeling now for even mentioning it!

… well, the last time I got a speeding ticket it was like when I was a young adult. For me, that’s like 50 lifetimes ago. Feeling old you know? 73 actually. Oooppgh, how did that happen?

Right. Well, just came onto this blog since I haven’t posted in ages. Been busy making life a struggle you know. (sarcasm) That takes some energy to do! Hey, poor excuse is better than none I suppose. No? Whatever.

Further confessions while I’m at it: Been doing alot of that lately too. Talking to myself and then answering and then arguing.

Also, I realized just now how I spend a good deal of time listening to NPR trying to figure out what’s going on in the world. Still trying to recover from the Capital Building being busted into by all those goons…. sorry, got to say it how it is. My blog, and I can call ’em how I see ’em.

Also have been spending too much time binge watching SUITS on Prime and reading — hey my apartment is cold and I want to get under those covers too early to keep warm …and then I snack and grow fat. I’m really good at growing fat. Then you see those thin women on SUITS … Prince Harry’s now-wife and the rest which doesn’t make a girl feel really proud of her own body. That’s not been good for me either.

Yeah, well anyway now there are vaccines coming to town. There’s currently a shortage and I’m not old enough one minute and the next they say over 65 and you’re good to go. So mixed up messages and you know you have to show up and take a number even if you can figure out where these places are that you are supposed to go.

And lastly, my daughter and her fiance bought a house and are the last of my 3 daughters to move out of town here and sometimes I wish I’d have stayed in the mountains. But then I argue with myself ad nauseum about that too. Is it no wonder why they are all leaving town the way I complain?

Christmas was a bummer — stayed home and away from family because of covid. Some family members all but ignored restrictions on gathering despite my great efforts on information dissemination. Besides someone who I-cannot-stand-in-the-least was on the guest list… even better I stay home. I didn’t put up holiday decorations feeling that to be a kind of slap in the face to all those who lost loved one’s in the pandemic. Yeah, I know many people felt differently but I simply wasn’t in the mood.

Right, but now I do feel hope about the vaccines coming and smarter people in the white house and while yes will still have to wear a mask, maybe things will improve with the new president and more vaccines — and I know people will argue with that but the lies, oh, the lies! the crazy making! Glad that’s over.

Okay, then. Did I lament enough?

On the flip side, I am grateful for PBS News and NPR and for my watercolor supplies. There is so much to be grateful for of course and then upon remembering this, one feels unhappy with one’s self for any complaining. I know better than to complain of course but sometimes it just happens to get away from you and it all comes blurting out like in this blog post. My apologies if you are even still reading this pity party of a blog. Awful stuff.

Yet, HELP IS ON THE WAY …. thinking now of that line and the scene in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. Meanwhile, am double masking it is for now and will continue to do so!

Spring is coming and hope is growing… the daffodils and tulips will be popping up, the robins and songbirds will return, vaccines will be here and the trees will bloom their beautiful flower in the warmer days ahead.

Hang in there! We’ve got this.

(talking to myself again and to you, too, reader if you’ve been struggling as well)